28. The marriage (Index)

THE MARRIAGE - INDEX

CHAPTER 1: PHYSICAL BAGGAGE FROM THE PAST

  • The important role of brain amine
    • Serotonin
      • The stress factor
    • Dopamine
    • GABA (gamma-aminobutyric-acid)
    • Norepinephrine
  • Importance of the thyroid
  • The importance of testosterone in men
    • The importance of estrogen in women
  • Summary

CHAPTER 2:  EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE FROM THE PAST

  • Jim and Barbara' stories
  • Unresolved pain and hurt have an accumulative effect
  • The human brain
  • Rejection
    • Wrong gender
    • Physical problems
    • Divorce or death
    • Poverty and lack of opportunities
    • School situations
    • Addiction in parents
  • Fears
  • Bitterness
  • Sexual trauma
    • Rape, molestation, incest
    • Typical symptoms:
    • Sexual addiction
    • Abortion, miscarriage, still birth

CHAPTER 3: CONFLICT HANDLING IN MARRIAGE

  • Accept conflict as part of this sinful broken world
  • A conflict must be talked through
  • Leave the old cows in the ditch
  • Air your feelings but learn to control them
  • Complete today's conflict
  • Set a guard over your mouth
  • Stick to the point
  • Be willing to give in and look for a compromise
  • Ask forgiveness and ensure each other of your love
  • Conflict is sometimes carried in from outside
  • Learn to focus on the real feelings
  • Learn to know each other's personalities
  • Make space for each other's strong and weak points
  • Determined to work on my weak points
  • Healthy handling of aggression and anger
  • A compromise must be strictly maintained
  • We must learn from our quarrels
  • Trauma sometimes brings new perspectives

CHAPTER 4:  COMMUNICATION - 1

  • Definition
  • Two-way traffic
  • Three core facets of communication
    • Speak
    • Listen
    • Understand
  • Impeding factors
    • Self-defences
    • Closeness
    • Aggression
    • Suspicion and mistrust
    • Over-reaction
    • The wearing of a mask
    • Lack of examples of good communication in parents' home
    • Projection
  • Six levels of communication
    • Sulking
    • Clichés
    • Communication about other people (facts and occurrences)
    • Communication of my own thoughts and opinions
    • Communication of feelings and emotions
    • Soul mates
  • Communication stimulation
    • Honesty
    • “I” messages
    • To show understanding even if I differ from the other person
    • Be understanding and create an atmosphere of warmth, acceptance and patience
    • I need to start opening up and giving my deepest self
  • Communication with your fellow man enhances communication with God

CHAPTER 5: COMMUNICATION - II

  • Men and women experience trauma differently
  • I am sorry – I was wrong
  • Acceptance
    • Difference between man and woman (physically and emotionally)
    • Different worlds from where we come
    • The important role of the father
    • Family and in-laws
  • Strengthening of the marriage relationship
  • Complement each other
  • Feedback
  • Stop playing for the pavilion
    • Appreciation and acknowledgement
  • Listen
  • Be honest
  • Declare your motives
  • Be specific and avoid generalisations
  • Continuous change
  • Thanksgiving
  • Spiritual dimension

CHAPTER 6: THE EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT

  • A high trust balance enhances communication
  • A low trust balance enhances chaos
  • Constant relationships ask for constant deposits
  • Sometimes there are automatic withdrawals
  • Six different deposits
    • Try to really understand the other person
    • Stop keeping score
    • Keep your promises and commitments
    • Expectations must be clearly defined
    • The importance of personal integrity
    • Your apology should be sincere if you would make a withdrawal
  • In brief
    • Main points

CHAPTER 7: MARRIAGE AS A COVENANT

  • The character of a covenant against that of a contract
    • The healing power of forgiveness
    • The inability to forgive yourself
    • Feelings of unfairness in marriage
    • Does your marriage display the character of a covenant or a contract?
    • Characteristics of a covenant marriage
    • Further practical guidelines
  • Three important principles for the road ahead
    • We are here to complete a journey
    • Focus on that which is present and not that which lacks
      • Blindfolded by the negative
    • Show mercy to each other
      • Incompatibility
      • The free gift of grace

CHAPTER 8: IF THE TWO OF US COULD MARRY AGAIN

  • We build forth on our commitment to each other
  • We would have continued our romance
  • We would spend more time with each other
  • We would concentrate more on each other's good characteristics
  • We would try to hear each other's hearts
  • We would pay more attention to the small things
  • We would bow down before the Lord every time when we are despondent
  • In brief

ADDENDUM A: 

WAYS IN WHICH A MAN CAN EXPRESS HIS LOVE TO HIS WIFE

ADDENDUM  B:  

WAYS A WIFE CAN EXPRESS HER LOVE FOR HER HUSBAND

ADDENDUM  C: 

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES